I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
