1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
