Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize