I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
