Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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