Just mADE A PArabola og urine
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
