how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
