my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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