Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Is Oprah even human
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
