my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Randomize
