Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
