brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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