life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
