he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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