I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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