I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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