i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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