If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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