She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
