I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
My balls are so social today.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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