I looked at my own cervix.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize