Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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