The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
