I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
