Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
