I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize