every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
