I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
