apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
