I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
