walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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