Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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