Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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