he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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