I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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