I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
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