i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
