So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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