so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
