whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
