my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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