literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
