Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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