Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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