I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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