is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
He felt like a one man threesome
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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