my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize