I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I use my feet as sexual weapons
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
