Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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