She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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