If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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