M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
