Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
