Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
