From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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