Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
