saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
