Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize